Maybe someday we will find a way to disappear...

holler.

2007-10-18T07:16:01Z

this is my first entry i have posted in a year and two months.

i didn't even remember i HAD this thing. haha.

so i decided to post an entry b/c....idk. b/c i can?

so yeah...this is fun. lol. i had a ridiculous take home test due tomorrow morning, so jill and i downed a large iced coffee...and now i'm WIRED. i can't get sleepy. so i thought of this and here i am :)

i should at least TRY to go to bed. i have to get up in exactly four hours and somehow be prepared to take an oral spanish test. ick :(

so...i guess if any of you are still out there, goodnite :)

updates.

2006-08-15T17:32:18Z

i haven't written in quite a while. i've been working ALOT. more than i should probably. but i had yesterday and today off so...i'm chillin. yayyy.

been pretty not happy lately. but what else is new? i need to gain control of the things that i can in my life. i hate feeling like shit all the time.

love isn't a word to be thrown around. it's something to be cherished, held on to, and kept safe. which...idk. i thought i was worth that to you. but who knows?

i've been hanging out with a lot of people lately, which is pretty sweet. hung out with alli, john g, jay, moge (they punk'd me and john REAL bad, ugh.), jenny. i miss laura though, i need to see her. and lisa. and i'm pretty sure i still owe ice cream to nicole and lori. aye yay yay...i gotta get on top of things.

yea. idk. i have lots of shit to do today. and then at like 5 or something i have to go to the best buy in manchester b/c split shift is having like a cd release signing there and i told kyle i'd go. then they're having a show but idk if i can go b/c i'm only 19. :( oh well.

yeah i'm gunna go. got LOTS of cleaning/prepping to do. i'm moving bck to school in 10 days so...yeah. hit me up.

♥.

i am starved for your attention.

icky.

2006-08-04T05:57:08Z

i feel so nervous all the time. i dont know WHAT my issue is.

i'm going to see the yankees in baltimore with my dad and 2 brothers for 3 days. it'll be sweet. so i won't be around. feel free to call or text me if you wish :)

it's true. idk what to do.

wow.

2006-08-02T02:06:45Z

so i guess no one gets it.

maybe i don't get it either?

or maybe i just see something that no one else does...

whatever the case may be, something will have to fall into place soon.

i can't do this anymore.

here it is.

2006-07-31T02:42:45Z

so i feel like i'm getting to the point in my life where i'm letting my friends make decisions for me.

i love my friends, each and every one of them.

but i'm trying to live my life as best as i can. i'm trying not to have any regrets, i'm taking chances, and i'm doing things i want to do.

i've gone through a lot in the past few months. i've lost best friends due to this or that, i've lost and gained self-respect, i've made good and bad decisions.

that is a part of life.

i know what i'm doing in my life. it may not turn out as i want it to but, hey....that's how it goes. i just have to roll with the punches. i have amazing friends...and i want to keep them in my life, but i can't let them rule my life. i LOVE getting advice and seeing other people's takes on certain situations, it DOES help.

but in the end, i have to make the decisions that matter, and that's what i'm doing.

i love you all...no matter what.

hmm.

2006-07-29T02:29:30Z

i was looking through people's LJ's that are my friends that i didn't know of. and i came across one who's "banner" thing said "You can't help who you love, you're not supposed to."

hmm. interesting. seems as though thats my life.

i cannot help it.

no more twists.

2006-07-28T17:22:06Z

from now on, all i ask for is honesty. in everything in my life.

i want whatever i do to be okay with anyone and everyone. but i know that i can't have everything.

i just want to make my own decisions, and keep everything i've had for a long time.

please...no more twists and turns. just be.

my stomach hurts. i think i'm lactose intolerant.

2006-07-24T17:09:47Z

idk what is going on anymore.

take it day by day. live as i can.

what else can i do?

kerrieb @ 2006-07-23T01:58:00

2006-07-23T05:59:37Z

my days are not the same.

i feel empty.

idk why something that's supposed to make me so much stronger has made me the weakest i've ever been.

i just want this to be over and done with. with some kind of outcome making me happy.

that's all.

i should've known better.

2006-07-20T00:26:13Z

so...life is not treating me too well.

i would say that today may just be the worst day i have EVER had.

starting with me waking up to something that, although painful, i had to laugh at. b/c i was so stupid to think that it wouldn't happen again.

i was stupid, i was foolish, i was dumb. i realize that, and i can't blame anyone but myself. i tried to trust you, but you let me down again. what else is new?

wrote down my rebuttle. something that was long over due.

i've realized that i'm in love with the person i know you can be. but now, you are not that person, no matter how hard i pretend you are. and i never know if you will ever be that person again. meanwhile, i can't wait around to find out.

they say that you don't realize what you have until it's gone.

in this case, i hope you do. b/c i would have been something special for you if you would have taken me as you should have. i gave it my all, but it was not enough. and i dont want to feel this way ever again.

also today: i got into another car accident. thinking about things and being upset while driving really does affect your driving. luckily there was only a dent in this beat up old work truck's bumper, so i hope that they won't do much. i'll die.

i'm gunna go see alli now. plus, im going to go out to eat with ben tonight. and possibly get to hang out with jen later on. i need to see some people who really do care about me and appreciate me for the person that i am.

i apologize to anyone who i've cast out of my life, if even for a short time, for something that ended up being not worth it.

i just have to keep my head up and roll with what i have. i love my friends, and i know that this hurt will not be here forever.

so, to you, good luck. i'm sure that after a while this feeling in my stomach will go away, and i'll be able to forget about you.

just know that you've lost something really special, someone who gave you all of her unconditionally, but stupidly.

i hope that you've learned a lesson through all of this. you'll never have anyone like me, and i hope that you can change for the betterment of any relationships in your future.

it hurts.

wowwwwwww.

2006-07-19T05:16:18Z

i am so fucking stupid.

why did i ever think it was possible?

i hate myself.

the end. ♥.

oh boy.

2006-07-17T02:33:25Z

sometimes, i really love you.

and i'm pathetic.

well.

2006-07-14T04:43:57Z

the past few days were sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

i'm mad poor though. it sucks. pay day tomorrow!!! hollerrrr.

ANDDD. i didn't win the kelly clarkson tickets from work :o(

but sylvia did and she invited me!!! :oD

i <3 that girl.

and jen bought me a shirt today.

aye yay yay. sometimes i get in real bad moods...but the past few days have been awesome. and i want to thank anyone who has been a part of them.

oh man. i hope this streak lasts.

haha. i just knocked on wood. wow. i'm dumb. :oP

i'm gunna go hang out. goodnite :o)

blegh.

2006-07-10T02:54:39Z

my past few days have been...eventful.

friday i worked till like 6:15. then went to the gone by daylight show at pearl street. they played amazing, and the crowd loved it. on my way out i gave eric a kiss on the cheek and i'm pretty sure i got a gallon of his sweat in my mouth...wonderful.

then i went home, and went to bed.

had a work meeting saturday morning from 7:30 - 10. it was boring as usual, and i just felt so weird the whole time. oh well.

jen came over at like 12:30, and we left for jamie's graduation party at around 2:15.

jamie lives in vermont, in hickville USA (aka Pownal, VT.). they played horse shoes, i played with kristin lol, and they dirtbiked, and their toilet was overflowing b/c it wasn't used to being used that much :o/ not too fun.

i watched people play beer pong, we played flipcup, sat around the fire, made smores, hung out. it was fun. jen and i tried going to bed in our tent at like 11:30, since i had to wake up at 8:15 to leave at 8:45 to get home for work in time. but then people were riding their quads everywhere, jamie's cousin was beating the living shit out of some punk kid, and then a rooster started to cock-a-doodle-doo at like 2:30 am lol.

we wound up going in the house and sleeping on jamie's floor, and slept till 8:15. we left, and instead of taking the 1 1/2 hours to get home like it should have, enough time for me to shower quick to get to work on time, it took us 3 hours b/c somehow we wound up in new york for a LONG time, 40 miles away from the masspike. i was 45 mins. late to work, and i had to get ready in the bathroom of best buy. like i brushed my teeth and changed and did my makeup in the bathroom of best buy. it was magical :o/

worked from 12 - 7:15...it was okay. i felt like crap after my break, and i still dont feel very good. that might be b/c i just ate a whole lot of chinese food, but it was so good.

now i'm exhausted, and i think i'm gunna try to go to bed.

day off tomorrow, hopefully hanging out with laura b later on, and yeah...idk.

hopefully the sun will start to shine for me.

you can trust me with anything, i promise.

p.s. - i am not "friends" with Libby, but i know who she is and i've met her. I'm not religious, but she is in my thoughts, and i'm going to attempt to pray for her. From what i hear she is a beautiful person, and this is just one example of how life is truly not fair. Get well soon.

wonderful.

2006-07-05T03:17:17Z

had the scariest dream last night (very detailed) about a terrorist attack. nicole was in it. and when i woke up, it was 9:11 am. i was freaked out.

i figure it was b/c of the lightning storm, and the fact that i IMed nicole before i went to bed. plus some other stuff. weird.

worked from 11:15 - 7:15. beautiful....not.

went to the fireworks with alli. probably the only good part of my day.

however on the way there i was in traffic, duh, and someone hit me from behind, pretty hard too. when i got out of the car she asked if i was okay and stuff like that. i was being uber nice to her since i know exactly how she feels. and then she proceeds to give me attitude when i ask for her insurance information, and then asks alli "so do you think that her insurance company is gunna call mine? b/c my mom will NEVER let me drive her car again."

i wanted to laugh. stupid girl. her whole front bumper is fucked up, does she think her mom won't notice?

oh wow. i love my life. alli decided today that i have the worst luck of anyone she's ever known. i'm pretty sure that i qualify for that title.

i HATE my life. ugh.

goodnite.

oh yeah. happy anniversary to the decision that we would overpower the native people of this land and push them west so we could live here, and sign a paper making it official.

kerrieb @ 2006-06-30T00:54:00

2006-06-30T04:55:46Z

right.

i think i'm dumb. i'm probably the stupidest girl that's ever lived. yep. i hate myself.

goodnite.

guitar hero ♥.

deal with it.

2006-06-28T01:50:36Z

i'm getting so fed up with this drama in my life. SO, i'm gunna tell you about myself.

My name is Kerrie.
I'm 19 years old, and my birthday is Feb. 6th.
I have blonde hair, blue eyes, and i'm 5' 3 3/4".
I go to Elms College, where I'm majoring in history and secondary ed.
I play softball there, and I'm playing soccer this year.
I work at Best Buy as a cashier.
I love to sing, especially with laura.
I'm a messy person, but i usually know where everything is.
I love makeup, and I wear it whenever I go out in public. even to softball games.
I love dressing up, i guess you could say i'm a girly girl.
I love music, and I like many different kinds.
I hate my legs, asparagus, lots of birds together in a group, and people judging me before they know me.
I like naps, shopping, ballet slippers, the notebook, black and white pictures, and grape propel.
I'm in love with the idea of being in love.
I, as well as many other people, hate my cell phone.
I love late nights.
I like falling asleep next to someone.
I would go to the moonrocks and look at the stars everyday if I could.
I love all of my friends, and I wish that they all liked each other.
Sometimes I really like being alone.

I think that's enough for now.

My point is, most of you like me for who I am. Those are just a few of the things I am. I'm not perfect, I make mistakes. But who doesn't?

I just want things to be back to the way they were. Although everyone didn't LIKE each other, I still had all the people I wanted in my life.

Please. I don't want to have to choose. Everything will work out how it's supposed to.

i hope there are a few good words for me.

2006-06-26T01:29:06Z

umm yeah.

so i owe a lot of money, and i'm working 40 hours a week. and juli just informed me that i'm training for customer service, which means i get to deal with bitchy people EVERY CUSTOMER instead of just once in a while. oh well...i said okay so...yeah.

uhm...yeah so all i do is work. and i still can't afford anything. i was gunna go to ben's show tonight and i realized that i have a credit card payment due thursday for $249ish. and i have $290. so i really cannot spare that extra $10. SUCKS.

so now i'm just sitting around, i'll probably go to sleep soon. i'm exhausted.

who am i kidding? i never sleep. oh well.

yeah. i'm going now.

new dashboard on tuesday. that'll be in my life thanks to the best buy credit card.

however, if you have a student ID you get some money off and only wind up paying $6.99 for it. hollerrrr.

and the cycle continues. i have a problem.

how are you feeling?
what are your reason?
do you feel love or a lack thereof?

love is a bond without reason.
a cry for connection,
a light in your eyes.

love is a reason for living,
a reason for trying,
a reason to cry.

love is everything.

okay...

2006-06-22T05:34:56Z

don't look into the decisions i make.

i make decisions based on what i'm feeling. i'm not making a random, quick decision. and i'm not making decisions to affect others. i'm making it to affect me.

if this fails...it's my fault 110% for having too much faith.

please don't let me down.

lovin life.

2006-06-17T01:16:23Z

so yeah. that chapter is DEFINATELY over. i have never felt so betrayed in my entire life.

i expected something like this from her, sad to say.

but from you, i never expected that.

i never thought i could hate my life anymore but...yep there ya go.

so thank you.

the end.

2006-06-15T17:41:42Z

well...i guess that chapter of my life is done. not by my choice but...that's how it usually happens.

i know the real reasons why you're gone now, and i think it's in my best interests to not talk to you anymore. so that's what i'm going to do. good luck with your life, i hope it's everything you'd dreamed it would be.

now i'm gunna go sulk by myself till i find something better to do.

i thought there was nowhere to go but up, but i was completely wrong.

truth.

2006-06-14T01:39:45Z

if you look, a majority of people use the emotion "depressed" in their livejournal entries.

for the first time, i actually feel like that's the only emotion that i am feeling right now, and it is bonafide and true.

working overnights makes me want to kill myself. the end.

testing the strong ones.

2006-06-08T19:12:37Z

working overnights at dunkin donuts SUCKS. especially the one i work at. its disgusting. when i start working by myself, that place will be spotless in the mornings. these people seriously don't care about cleanliness. but i do. so that'll have to happen asap.

today i'm working at best buy 6 - 10. then dunkin donuts 11 - 5. it's gunna suck but...whatever. ya gotta do what you gotta do. it's so hard falling asleep at 5:30 am. when the sun is up and you just wanna go outside. i slept till 12:30 today though. i hope i don't get sick from this weird time change shit.

i need to make changes in my life. i woke up today feeling the worst i've ever felt. i hate where i am in my life. i just have to remember that there's nowhere to go from here but up.

i haven't stopped crying for the past half hour. i'm sure lots of people are at this point in thier lives, or have been. where they hate everything their doing. and really nothing can make them smile. and if it does, it's fake. pretty much. i just feel so low. i can't even explain it.

things need to change.

The pain has a bad reaction.
A blend of fear and passion.
You know what it's like to believe.
It makes me wanna scream.
I see the stars, they're in your eyes.
A playfull kiss, can you tell I'm excited?
A fast escape in the nick of time.
If you lost your wish, can I help you find it?
I'm on my knee, just one to start.
A fresh new start, don't be undecided.

If love's a word that you say,
Then say it, I will listen.

~~♥♥♥.~~

truth.

2006-06-07T16:43:38Z

love stinks.

♥.

ventilations.

2006-06-05T04:03:36Z

i've been working so much lately. i feel like that's all i do. then i get my paycheck and its not near what i need to pay my bills. which is why i applied to work overnights at the dunkin' donuts near my house. it's like 10 or 11 at night till 5 or 6 in the morning. pretty shitty but...i need to keep my best buy availability open. aye yay yay.

my dad talked to me today. i have an "unknown surcharge" on my insurance. my mom reminded me it was for my speeding ticket. i forgot. it's like $237. and my speeding ticket was $150. how does that make sense?

my cell phone bill was over this month. it's pretty much b/c i can't call ppl b/c my service is so bad, so i text EVERYONE. sucks.

and i can't use my dad's gas credit card anymore (even though he says "use it WHENEVER you need it!" which is pretty much always.). so pretty much i won't be going anywhere/doing anything unless someone picks me up or hangs out at my house. radical.

or b/c i need new rear brakes. that might prevent me from driving as well.

sal's prom is on tuesday. i really love dressing up...but i honestly cannot afford it. let's breakdown my last check.

$260 dollars from best buy.
minus $150 for car payment = $110.
$110 - $50 for money i owe my dad = $60.
$60 - $23 for shampoo, conditioner, mascara, & some other necesity = $37

that leaves me with $37 to function for 2 weeks. NOT including prom things.

so...my mom got me a $65 gift card to salon signatures (near my house) for a facial, but i'm using it to get a fill on my nails and to get my eyebrows waxed :o/

and i was talking to my supervisor auria today, told her about how i'm bummed b/c i didn't have enough money to get my hair done for his prom. and she pretty much forced $40 on me lol. she wrote me a check, and i'm definately paying her back asap. she's pretty much the nicest boss i've EVER had. ever.

so that $37 or so is definately going into my gas tank. totally. then it's work, work, work, and MORE work until i go crazy. and until all my bills are paid.

i wish i could just get famous so i could pay off all my bills w/ my first paycheck.

that would be radical.

i have to go to bed. i'm exhausted. and pissed off. goodnite. thanks for listening. ♥.

and i don't know, and i can't guess if it's gunna be ok.
but now my last wish is that you do this with me.
Kiss me here, and hold my hand.
Let me feel like i'm the only one.
I know you can,
won't you do it for me now?

Now just hold on,
hold on to me.